As I feel myself closing in on that damn number 30, I have come to contemplate the past decade and what it has been for me.
My years as a 20 something were not just a journey into finding myself, it also became a time in my life where there was a steady coming and going of people who became significant in my life. As all bounds with people who I am not related to, about 80% of people I have met in my twenties, I have also said goodbye to again.
These are the types of friends I’ve ‘lost’ over the years:
– The one that moved away: You got to know her/him during your days in college. At that time you could simply not imagine life without them and neither did they. Damned their birthtown to hell for making them move back to it as soon as graduation was over. Some are never to be seen again, others you still hear on significant days and than there are those who might live 100 kms away and yet it feels like you could run into them every day.
– The one that got a family: Yup. I can’t go ignoring this one. They get pregnant and their entire world flips around. Party girls turn stay-at-home-moms obsessed with their kid and diapers and a healthy family life. Don’t get me wrong though. I could never hold a grudge for any one of my friends deciding to chose love and a baby, but it does sting at times. Especially when you yourself feel like babies are a very distant future.
– The one who fell in love with careermaking: After getting that job they’ve always dreamed of, all of the sudden you have become the last priority. You and all the people they used to hang with are shoved aside to make way for money, ambitions and incredibly long hours at the office/in the shop/ … At first it kind of hurts but you should know that no man is an island and they will come back for you. Just don’t wait too long. They didn’t hesitate one second when it came to you.
– Theone who can’t stop the party: even though high school and college are far behind you, he or she still lives like it. Chances are they spend their nights in the comfort of the parental home. E.g. they did zero effort to start a life of their own. Sure you’ll call them when you want to act out over the weekend and be sure to make poor decisions, but they’re not the kind of person you call when shit really hits the fan. Or maybe you would if you felt like having a shitfan-party.
– The one with the partner who doesn’t like you: I’m pretty certain that many of us had to deal with this. One of your besties introduces you to the love of is/her life and you immediately realise that this is going to be a problem. You don’t like who’s in front of you and clearly they don’t like you either. Of course you try and stay in touch with each other but there’s just no fun hanging out when you know that your friend is gonna get a lot of shit for it later.
– The one you actually never really liked: One day you look at one of your oldest friends and you realise that you have no idea why you ever even tolerated them in the first place? They don’t attribute to your life in any way and you come to realise just how different you two are. All of the sudden everything he/she does is annoying and you can’t for the life of you remember what the good times were all about.
– The one that is bad for you: Because I don’t want to call them ‘toxic’ outright, I’ll settle for the conclusion that some people are just bad for you. They get out the worst in you in whatever form that worse may come. Most of the time it takes a while for you to realise what this friendship is doing, but as soon as you see: there’s no way you’re staying in it!
– The one that you are bad for: Sometimes you yourself are the bad influence. You are the reason someone shows the ugliest sides of themselves. It’s best to let these people go so that they can be good to someone who appreciates them for what they are.
– The one that you will never accept losing: This is a mixture of all of the above. Sometimes we grow apart with someone and we can never truly put our finger on the ‘why’ of the entire situation. Was it me? Was it you? Would we be able to get along again if we try? None of these questions will ever be answered I guess.
Who I put into what category is for me to know and not something I would feel comfortable sharing. Because no matter what reason I have had to break contact, it doesn’t necessarily mean I have lost respect for you.
None of the life choices listed above are bad choices per se, they are just not MY choices and that, in the end, is what matters.
Some days I am saddened by the knowledge that my group of close friends will probably never exist of more than 5 people. Other days I contemplate ditching 4 more and just calling quits on the whole friend thing.
Know this: if I have cut you from my life, it means that I had good reason to and did not do so without consideration first. It means I value me more than the relationship we have. It means that one way or another, we are not moving where we should be going and I have cut my losses.
And by that I believe I have done both of us a favor. Because you don’t want me around either. Not really. I just had the balls to say it out loud.