“You are the hybrids of golden worlds and ages splendidly conceived.”
This last year is marked by my journey into my own self.
After struggling with a depression for months and months, I decided it was time to take a good look at myself because I felt that I was not who I wanted to be. Some vital aspects of me were still not clear to me. I could not understand why I am who I am, why I see the world in my own peculiar way. How was I supposed to find my way in life if I couldn’t find my way into my own psyche?
People often say that they are stitched together by flaws. Me, I am made up entirely of contradictions. I am black and white but never grey, I love and hate but never just like. Loud and quiet, thoughtful and just plain scatterbrained, I am every bright color in the spectrum but never the pastels.
At first I put it off as hormones. I mean: teenage years can wreak havoc on a young woman’s emotional intelligence. Combine that with a batch of preservatives that turned out to be completely wrong for me, I thought my emotions were so extreme because they were either part of growing up or the result of a chemical inbalance.
But I turned 26 and I still felt all those highs and lows so much more intense than others. It kept feeling like the world spinned differently for me.
It’s not like I’ve ever felt part of the masses. I’ll be the first one to admit that I always walked slightly out of pace with everybody else. By my own choice. To the beat of my own drum at all times. Didn’t really help that my parents greatly stimulated individuality, but I am grateful for that now.
Never having seeked professional mental health -a touchy and taboo subject in our family- I decided to venture in the world of psycho analysis on my own. Always risky business by the way! If you type in any form of self-test on google you’ll always come to the guided conclusion that you are shithouse crazy. Mark my words.
So I quickly gave up on that path. Decided it was safer to start from things that I knew already. Drawn from own experience with the people who had crossed my life’s path, it turned out to be a lot easier to find something to hold on to.
A conversation with a friend in a local pub jolted something inside of me. We were remeniscing about a subject we covered in our ethics class in high school: indigo children.
Making jabs at people who claimed to be parents to “unique” and “gifted” kids all evening, we did not stop to consider exactly what indigo kids are.
If you look beyond the typical esotheric hippie crap, there are some really typical charasteristics that caused me to read up on the subject.
How I found myself overlapping with Indigo Children:
- Are intelligent, though may not have had top grades.
- Are very creative and enjoy making things. Just don’t ask me to do crafts. My drawing skills can be compared to those of a kindergartner.
- Always need to know WHY. Especially when asked to do something.
- Were rebellious in school in that they refused to do homework.
- Have difficulty in service-oriented jobs.
- Resisting authority in general.
- Have deep empathy for others, yet an intolerance of stupidity.
- Extremely emotionally sensitive including crying at the drop of a hat.
- May have trouble with rage.
- Have trouble with the system which they consider to be broken or innefective. Can be about government, education, healthcare etc.
- Alienation from politics.
- Have strong intuition.
- Sexually very expressive and inventive. May exlplore alternative types of sexuality.
These are just some of the typical characteristics of the Indigo Children and adults. As the term ‘Indigo Children’ only popped up at the end of the 20th century, it is mainly used on children and young adults born after the year 1990. However, there are a lot of voices speaking up for the so-called “First Wavers”: Indigo people born before there was any research done into this phenomenon. In fact, the children born from those “First Wavers” are now called “Crystal Children”. Which is all together going way too far for me.
If you look past all the floaty stuff about higher conciousness and seeing auras, there was a lot of valid things to learn about who I am and how to deal with myself.
First of all I have to accept that I will always feel and actually BE different from most other people and there is nothing wrong with that. I am grateful to have grown up in a home where being different was celebrated rather than punished.
Secondly I should constantly work at keeping out negativity. Even though that I consider myself to be quite the dark person, I do not handle a constant negative atmosphere well. On the contrary. Personally I see the bad in things before I see the good, but I never let it define me or hold me back. I revel in it.
A third and quite heavy aspect is having to deal with a higher sensitivity to other people’s moods. Maybe this is why I have a problem with above mentioned dark mood. But it’s the same with good feelings. I get swept of my feet so easily that it makes me fear it.
But what is undoubtedly the hardest of all, is finding my way, my “destiny” in life. Not all of us Early Indigos are blessed with finding their perfect career or fulfil our live’s dream without any effort. For many of us life is more of a constant search to find our place in this world. To find complete acceptance and rest with who we are.
In conclusion here’s a final thought on the matter:
Most people seem to think that ‘indigo’ is synonym to ‘believes in higher powers, auras and all kinds of ghosts and spirits”. The truth however can be not further from it. Myself as well as most of the other Indigos that I know -and I know some- are very down-to-earth. Most of us do not believe in any of the stuff I mentioned. Unless we see undeniable proof that is. Not all of us want “world peace and love for all”. Well, we do, you just wouldn’t agree on our methods of achieving that.
I believe that every person is different and that we were all put here by major coincidence. It is up to ourselves to give meaning to the short period of time that we are here on this planet. It is okay to live your life differently from the masses. More people should. It’s time that more feet-on-the-ground Indigos like myself step forward. Because of our difference, we have the power to mean something.
I didn’t chose to be this way. It is by no means an easy life to live, but if I learn to embrace it and use it for what it’s worth; it might be part of my triumph in the end.
Haven’t had enough?
Here you can find a quite ellaborate explanation from child to adult.